Posted by The day after Ben Stokes and Jack Leach at Headingley in 2019, Australia coach Justin Langer forced his players to watch the footage. Thanks to Amazon’s documentary, The Test, we can see how that went down. It did not go down very well. Who was least happy about it?
Cricket commentators sometimes do this thing when certain players get hit where they say it must have been a really bad blow if that specific player is visibly showing that it hurts.
This always annoys us because how can you possibly know that person normally conceals the pain they’re feeling? If they conceal the pain, it’s by definition concealed. The only way we can really gauge the level of someone else’s pain is through their reactions.
So that’s what we’re going to do here. We’re going to look at Australian cricketers’ unhappy faces and try and work out who was unhappiest about watching Ben Stokes tonking them to humiliating oblivion.
Pat Cummins
Baffled, irritated and frustrated because this is NOT how you do a proper presentation. Why has Langer not used Powerpoint?
Unhappiness rating: 5
James Pattinson
Odds that Pattinson is looking at the screen and also seeing what’s on the screen? Zero. No-one has ever looked more staring-into-the-middle-distance than Pattinson here. He is in the room, but he is not in the room.
Unhappiness rating: 1
Nathan Lyon
MASSIVE HANGOVER.
Unhappiness rating: 8
Mitchell Marsh and David Warner
Both looking the wrong way. David Warner is looking at Langer and using incredibly subtle body language to try and persuade him to stop the video immediately. Marsh is scouring the room for other Mitches and Marshes.
Unhappiness ratings: Marsh 2, Warner 9
Usman Khawaja
Actually slightly frightening. Stewing. Looks like he’s definitely going to take action against Langer but is thinking really hard about precisely what he’s going to do because he doesn’t want to get stopped before he’s done some real, lasting damage. Will probably end up MacGyvering that water bottle into some kind of weapon.
Unhappiness rating: 9
Tim Paine
Immensely nervous and uncomfortable because he realises he’s captain and so what is basically happening here is everyone is gathered in a room to scrutinise all the terrible decisions he made which led them to have a highly terrible experience and which then also indirectly led to this follow-up highly terrible experience which they’re having right now.
Unhappiness rating: 10
Further reading
How Adam Zampa and Marcus Stoinis are pissing away the great legacy of David Boon
Warner not as unhappy as Paine? He won’t be happy about that.
I hate to disagree with you, KC, but, based on those images, Nathan Lyon is clearly the unhappiest of the lot.
11.47% unhappier than Tim Paine and 14.23% unhappier than David Warner.
Fact.
You’re not accounting for the mitigating effects of delirium.
Lyon is definitely eyeing up Khawaja’s water bottle there. A humdinger of a hangover.
Even The Line wasn’t spared this humiliation. There it is, in all its white glory, on the floor, ready to be moved this way or that, at the whim of the Australian captain and/or other senior elite players.
It might even have to be said that KC – by not mentioning the existence of the line – has proven ignorant of the whereabouts of the line, and in doing so has crossed the line. C’mon KC. Banter, not abuse.
Only Australian cricketers can see The Line, usually, as they are the only ones who know where The Line is, and whether someone has crossed it.
Amazon must have used some fancy technology to represent it on screen, maybe they have an Elite Mateship filter on their cameras.
Marsh is scouring the room for other Mitches and Marshes.
This line made me laugh out loud. A Lol if you will.
Khawaja doesn’t look upset, he just looks studious, like someone has said there’s going to be an exam afterwards. I reckon Khawaja passes exams,, never less than 90%.
Thinking about exams, I reckon I know what the questions would be:
Q1. Who is that bloke at the other end?
Q2. Hasn’t anyone considered bowling at him instead?
Q3. No, I mean really, why are we not bowling at him instead of this obviously unstoppable batting machine?
Q4. Right, he’s on strike, he’s sure to take a quick single. Are we ready for that?
Q5. WTF?
Q6. Seriously Nathan, WT absolute F?
Q7. Does anyone have Brett Lee and Michael Kasprowitz’s number, so we can tell them how it’s supposed to be done?
Did Marsh play any role in that Test? He wasn’t selected in the XI, but did he come on a sub fielder and fumble anything?
He might have been half rewatching the shambles and half considering whether everyone else’s failures made it more likely he would get in the team. Though I preferred yer maj’s description which got a proper laugh out of me.
100% agree with you Ged.
Lyon looks like he hasn’t slept all night but is still having nightmares and watching his terrible bowling is evoking fresh memories.
One of the many joys of this situation is this is how they looked after a test match in which they bowled England out for 67. Sixty seven!
When Stuart Broad bowled Australia of for 60 we all said something to the effect of “ha ha ha ha ha ha” and have continued saying it ever since in relation to that match. They bowled England out for a mere seven more, and look they like this.
Somehow “look they like this” says it better than “they look like this”. But I’m not sure I can put my finger on why!
Sometimes my incompetence is serendipitous
Incompendipity
Serendineptitude of the highest order.
Well writ, Smudge.
If you zoom in on Hazelwood in the top image, he looks not like he is trying to see their problems but just watching the Australian team make yet another mess-up. Not only that but from his face he could be watching absolutely anything, from the video of that match to a David Attenborough documentary on insects. He may also be looking at the video, but not taking any of it in, only thinking about what he is going to have for dinner that night, or something similar.
Personally I would put his unhappiness rating at about 3.