Posted by Tom writes:
I sort of watched the T20 World Cup final. Here is roughly what happened.
A motley crew of myself, and myself’s pals William, Lottie and Millie assembled at my house for the purposes of watching something approximating cricket. This was convenient for me as it is closer to where I live than any of my comrades’ dwellings. However, I do not have Sky television and thus do not have the channel briefly known as Sky Sports Ashes, now referred to as Sky Sports 2, which broadcasts international cricket.
After much deciding it was decided that we would decide how to decide how to watch the cricket over lunch. I have the good fortune to live opposite a very nice pub called the Highwayman, so we went there to eat. They didn’t have Sky either. The Highwayman doesn’t have a TV – it’s not that sort of pub.
Three of us had roast beef and; I shan’t name any names, but Millie had something off the regular weekday menu. We ordered extra roast potatoes. Always order extra roast potatoes.
We returned to my house, thus far puddingless, to indulge in some fruit pastille ice lollies. ESPN Cricinfo reliably informed us (mainly just me and William) that fifteen overs of the first innings had already been bowled and that some runs had probably been scored. This meant, for unobvious reasons, that it was time to take my housemates Teasle and Moppet – who happen to be dogs – for a walk. We just went for a quick one up the road, because Teasle cut her paw recently and we didn’t want to aggravate the injury.
When we returned from the walk, we decided that it was such a nice day that we would have a drink in the garden. We had a drink in the garden (each, not between us). Between sips, the significance of the offside rule to cricket was explained for the benefit of some.
At the end of the day, some people went home, some people didn’t, and some people were already at home. I think Barcelona won after Kevin Pietersen scored the winner.
Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk. If it’s a professional match, on no account mention the cricket itself. If it’s an amateur match, feel free to go into excruciating detail.
Well, I mean, lovely and all that, sublime in fact, evoking the lazy atmosphere of English days long gone, like Somerset Maugham or H.P. Lovecraft. But surely to goodness you must have realised – your final line is pure, unadulterated cricket. Get thee behind me, Tom. I feel dirtied, sullied, soiled, besmirched, blackened, corrupted, defaced and defiled, tainted, tarnished, contaminated and debauched.
Tarred, dishonoured, discoloured and disordered, stained, tattered, drenched and dripping, messed and muddied, bedimmed, benighted, depressed and way down low.
Lost, downcast, dispirited, confused and rejected, despised and alone, I kiss isolation on its fevered brow, stained by the wine from a shattered glass, meaningless words, yellowed by time, faded photos exposing pain, celluloid leeches bleeding my mind, Christ you’ve finished playing hangman, you’ve cast the fateful dice, advise, advise, advise me, this shroud will not suffice.
Anyway, well done.
I especially like the life skills advice:
“Always order extra roast potatoes.”
All these years on this planet and only now do I receive the pearl of wisdom I needed in order to be truly happy.
Curse those many lost years, but bless you, Tom, for reviving my well-being, albeit in my dotage.
Comrade? Commie bastards.
KC – looks as though you have let in another roader who is not part of The Conspiracy.
Time to block Deep Cower’s account, methinks.
Pity he’s a roader, really, as he makes so many interesting comments.
…MADE so many interesting comments, I meant.
It’s too late Ged – there’s more than a few of us here. In fact, you might inadvertently be operating under the banner of our very leader, Felix Snowden (name changed). Maybe you’ve heard of his rave parties replete with drugs, sex, and a complete absence of poor people? The other day I saw Mr. Tinkletoe and Mr. Bumblebee (names changed), frequent commenters on this site, NOT share their money with society.
Maybe you can cross over to this side? We have chocolate.
Hmmm, chocolate…
…you do make a compelling case for modernising and indeed enhancing some of our fundamental ideological principles, Deep Cower.
Is it Charbonnel et Walker by any chance? Failing that, Neuhaus or Godiva. We must maintain standards, we have no room for revisionism.
‘Top trumps that you can actually play, unlike our version’
*coughs loudly*
http://www.kingcricket.co.uk/1st-ashes-test-2009-match-report/2009/07/28/
By the way, Tom, or should I say Tommy. I’ve seen through your deliberate misspelling of Mötley Crüe. Your attempt to hide the identities of the people involved was weakened by the debauched nature of the events described – it could have been taken straight from The Heroin Diaries.
Almost caught me, but no cigar.
Yours sincerely,
Mick Mars.