England

Kevin Pietersen’s reintegration process

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Kevin Pietersen has signed a four-month contract with England. If the ‘reintegration process’ goes okay, he might even play during that time.

Whatever happens, it’s pretty laughable to see so much self-important business speak used in the ECB statement. We were going to satirise it, but what’s the point? The following simply cannot be improved upon:

“With regards the issue of the BBM messages, due to the fact that Kevin had not retained the BBM messages, this matter has been successfully concluded through a binding assurance provided to ECB by Kevin.”

There you go. That’s how you sort these things out. If you think that Britney has been texting Tegan slagging off your new look, then confront her about it. Should she, like, totally deny it, and say that the messages have been deleted anyway, then ask her to provide a binding assurance to that effect. Situation resolved.

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18 comments

    3. Well I heard that Tegan had said that Britney had heard from Atlanta that Sapphire had told Caitlin that Teah preferred Cricket with balls to you KC.

    4. Oh, and apparently Sam told Scott that Ged was saying that Bert had been told by string that Price had a fishy fanny.

  3. Reintegration?

    Hey hey hey – what’s going on in here? You Pietersen, you Broad – over there in the corner, right now. Shut up the rest of you and carry on getting changed. Right, which one of you is going to tell me what on earth that was all about? Hmm? Come on, one of you I-didn’t-ask-you-Swann. Right, well if it’s so important that neither of you can remember anything it can’t matter that much, can it? CAN IT! No sir, it can’t. Right, shake hands and we’ll have no more of that nonsense. PROPERLY! That’s better. We’ve a big match coming up and we can’t have you fighting with each other, can we? What was that Pietersen? Yes, well it better have been nothing. You need to buck your ideas up, Sonny Jim, and I’m looking at you too, Broad.

    Reintegrated.

    1. Far too sensible there, Bert.

      And the ECB isn’t up to PCB press release standards. Yet. #RawalpindiExcess

  4. Giles Clarke’s sententious drivelling should be held up as an example of how to embarrass both yourself and your employees. KP is not a criminal, and pretending he is in order to engage in moralizing postures is offensive to anyone with three or more functioning neurons.

    1. I love it when the guy who put the ECB in bed with the perpetrator of a multi-billion dollar ponzi scheme moralises.
      Now that Ijaz Butt has stepped away from things Clarke is truly in a class of his own as an administrator.

  5. I imagine daleks rolling around, weapons poised, screaming “reintegrate!! reintegrate!!”

    Meanwhile no-one will take the reintegration process seriously if KP continues to don that ridiculous suit:

    http://p.imgci.com/db/PICTURES/CMS/150600/150620.jpg

    It simply doesn’t fit. And with that tie and barnet…

    …oh dear, what on earth is the shmutter with Kevin now?

  6. This is hardly surprising. Given the drama that has already unfolded, any attempts to bring Kevin back into the fold must necessarily require three scoops of awkward, five rounded tablespoons of farce, and a dash of fake sincerity.

  7. Giles Clarke said something at the presser about not wanting to go into the “archaeology” of the affair. What an utter twat. It’s good to have KP back though, for all his faults.

    1. Saw that; assumed he meant “archaeology” in the Thucydidean sense, ie. a compendium of legends and rumours that even the person reporting them doesn’t really believe.

      But perhaps I gave him to much credit.

  8. Michael Vaughan has explained this for us. A reintegration process is a chat and a beer:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/cricket/19817336

    I must say I was expecting a reintegration process to be something a little more substantial, perhaps with the use of heavy plant and machinery. Or at least the use of electro-convulsive treatment.

    Still, I cannot stick around and chat this morning. I have a lot of work to do and I’m knocking off work relatively early this evening for a reintegration process with some old friends.

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