England

Kevin Pietersen sort of didn’t really get on that well with a few people he had to spend a lot of time with

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Kevin Pietersen practising his fielding so he doesn't get bollocked

Kevin Pietersen EXCLUSIVES and REVELATIONS are about to rain down on us in the run-up to the launch of his autobiography (apparently most of it’s about him – the egotist). The latest salvo in English cricket’s biggest shitfight of recent times comes in the form of his interview with The Telegraph.

Feel free to have your say in the comments, but we found it all surprisingly low key. We’re promised THE TRUTH now that the confidentiality clause in his severance agreement has expired but it increasingly seems like a situation where fairly small stuff grew to seem like big stuff for a bunch of coaches and cricketers who had to spend morning, noon and night together.

It’s just one guy’s story and while some of it is certainly self-serving, other aspects ring true. We’d actually forgotten about the England team’s fielder abuse of a few years ago, but it definitely happened and it’s interesting to see that it was a big thing for some players. Shouting at those who misfielded or dropped catches always seemed childish and counterproductive but Pietersen portrays it as being one aspect of something broader and deeper-rooted – although he doesn’t really give other examples. Similarly, you don’t need to have seen more than one Andy Flower interview to know that the allegation that he built ‘a regime, not a team’ is probably quite a fair assessment.

But none of this is really shocking. It doesn’t seem like petty squabbling, so much as mundane squabbling. The mystery is how it all came to seem like such a big deal that the ECB and Pietersen ended up pitted against each other. Maybe if the England cricket team weren’t such a 365-day-a-year thing, everyone involved might have retained a bit more perspective.

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33 comments

  1. Part of the problem may be in the fact that along with Graeme Swann and one or two others, Pietersen for the longest time was among the first names in the XI for all three squads.

    In Swann’s case his body couldn’t take it and eventually he quit not just England but professional cricket entirely. In Pietersen’s case, it was clear that he and the team could not co-exist in such close quarters any longer. While I don’t deny he’s capable of being a complete power tool, he is never the less our complete power tool and a very useful one at that. International cricket is poorer for his absence, which is not a sentiment that can be said so much for Matt Prior (who was parachuted back into the team out of form and clearly injured because it was felt the team needed him so badly).

    1. I don’t actually know a lot of the saga (unfortunately I’ve been hindered in my attempts to learn more by my utter apathy for Kevin), but Piers Morgan’s presence in the bottom-right quadrant tells me that I need to be in the top-left.

    2. Yes, Balladeer, normally I would agree with. Unfortunately the presence of Giles Clarke in the top left makes me want to put myself in the bottom right corner.

  3. “Andy Flower. Contagiously sour. Infectiously dour. He could walk into a room and suck all the joy out of it in five seconds. Just a mood hoover. That’s how I came to think of him: a Mood Hoover.”

    He reveals his affection for Alastair Cook but dismisses him as a “company man” who “won’t rock the boat” and is willing to dance to the tune of Flower and Giles Clarke, the chairman of the ECB. Cook is ultimately compared to Ned Flanders, the well-meaning but dull character from The Simpsons.

    Vitriol is heaped on Matt Prior. He calls Prior the Big Cheese throughout his book and in a particularly scathing section describes his grandstanding as vice-captain as “a Dairylea triangle thinking he was a Brie.”

  4. The scandal is that “things not being quite right between everyone” was sufficient cause to get rid of one person. There needs to be a very, very good reason for getting rid of the single best batsman we’ve had over the last decade. It would appear that this reason was that he was somewhat dislikeable. As suspected, English cricket has reverted back to being an Old Boys Club, with all the attendant lack-of-brains that is associated with such things. Where’s Suave and his flaxen-haired revolutionaries when you need them?

    1. Not sure about this, Bert. If they genuinely thought his attitude was damaging the team and that they couldn’t move on and improve while he was there, it makes sense to discard him.

      As you say, the ECB now need to explain exactly why he was sacked.

  5. The problem with you British is a demonstrable lack of effigy-burning skills. If BCCI dropped Virat Kohli because he was a bit of a prick, we would stuff things with stuff, draw stuff on them that don’t look like N. Srinivasan at all, and burn the fucking things.

    Where’s your RAGE? Get out there on the streets. Burn Prior’s effigy like he’s a Catholic Priest who diddles kids. Burn Giles Clarke’s effigy like he’s some egomaniac who partners with Asian egomaniacs to make money using cricket as a convenient medium.

    1. Excuse me, Deep Cower. You’ve clearly never been to one of my Burn An Effigy of Giles Clarke and Cheese Evenings, very popular among the effigy-burning set in the North Cheshire area. This year we had a German theme – Riesling, Limburger, Nazi costumes, and copies of reactionary works by Kafka and Heine to get the fire going. The evening ended with a lovely Gewürztraminer and a rousing rendition of “Die You Bastard, Die” led by the vicar, amusingly dressed as Klaus Barbie.

    2. I think there’s also the fact that we British are less friendly towards people who are “a bit of a prick” in general. I can only speak for myself, but personally I find it hard to feel too sorry for Kevin because he was an up-himself Straussword.

      Should he still be England’s number 4? On recent evidence, nope. Was he wronged? Possibly. But we only have the opinion of an up-himself Straussword to go on.

  6. My concern is that KP’s trivial book might impinge sales of the magnificent Price of Fish, now out in paperback, carelessly timed to coincide with the KP nonsense:

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Price-Fish-Approach-Economics-Decisions/dp/1857886224/

    For Bert’s benefit, I can confirm that both authors of The Price of Fish are utterly degenerate, so Bert’s book burning ceremonies should include hundreds of copies of the tome, naturally all purchased at full price.

    1. Congrats, Ged. It all looks very serious. Are there any pictures of indifferent cats or cricket bats in unexpected places?

      If not, what are you playing at? Know your audience.

    2. You’ve only got one ball, Ged! He’s got three, that Michael Mainline chap, and you’ve only got one!

    3. Congratulations Ged! That’s some resume you have there. All the strategizing, chairing, judging. Not to forget the conceiving and launching (though I feel you have the order mixed up there). I particularly enjoyed your work with the American Porn Industry.

      That’s remarkable job, regardless of whatever Bert says that’s true.

    5. why do you need to buy skin supplements after reading this book?

      What Other Items Do Customers Buy After Viewing This Item?
      Proto-col Pure Collagen Skin Supplement Tablets (3 Packs)
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    6. Thanks for the kind words, all.

      Your question, Marees, is an excellent one, which I imagine can only be answered by buying and reading the book. The question certainly cannot be answered by writing and selling it.

    7. Great. Now I’m so intimidated by Ged & co-author’s bios I shall never comment here again.

      -signed-

      Just some idiot working for peanuts with a fabulous but tiny charity school, using a machine running Vista Home with a failing hard drive and occasional Blue Screen of Death errors

    2. He hasn’t quit, Sam, he’s “decided to seek a fresh challenge in his career.” You have to remember that he isn’t a coach, he’s a Director of Cricket. Now that he’s achieved everything a Director of Cricket could conceivably achieve, he simply needs to find something else to break. Directors do it all the time. Straight from running one company (into the ground), they immediately leave and get a job running another company (into the ground).

      We’re going to get Warwickshire legend Ashley Giles, it seems. It is only fair, therefore, that Warwickshire gets Lancashire legend Mike Watkinson in return. Quid Pro Quo. You could make him a Director, he’s got his own suit and everything.

    5. Nut Squash Court Sentence Reduced Fat Free and Easy Jet Black Magic Mike Ashley Giles Clarke Kent…

  8. Part of me thinks that if Pietersen could have put his ego aside, this wouldn’t have blown up to this extent. Another part of me thinks that in every job, you have to work with people who you don’t get along with, and you have to put it aside and do your job and let them do theirs. A third, more substantial, part of me just doesn’t have the will to care one way or another about this stuff any more. Right or wrong, it’s done, it’s not being reversed, and hopefully the ECB learned the right lessons from it. Which would be something along the lines of what KC said up there, not “don’t pick anyone you don’t think you’ll get on with.”

  9. I always felt there was something wrong with M.Prior. His hands looked too BIG, especially when he was ‘keeping.

  10. Is the book titled “KP: Its tough being Me”?

    is it really tough being a mercenary cricketer in England and receiving abuse as “go back to your country f**g Kolpak”

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