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How burnt-out is Joe Root right now?
In the wake of the Headingley Test, Joe Root looked like a man who’d spent several days in hospital awaiting the birth of his first child.
There’d been moments where he’d expected the worst. There’d been moments of the greatest relief imaginable. There’d been moments when he thought the car parking charges might bankrupt him.
Everything was fine, everything was great, but he was absolutely knackered and also had an unimaginable workload stretching out ahead of him in the short, short-medium, medium, medium-long and long-term.
The mental pressure had in fact become so great that the inside of his head had swollen, pushing out the bridge of his nose so that it was now level with his forehead to form a kind of Norman helmet effect.
How burnt-out is Joe Root? We’d say that Joe Root is now about 89 per cent burnt-out.
What happens when he reaches 100 per cnet? Or is the goal 110 per cent? Is that the Real Ashes?
At 100 per cent, he is burnt out and then everyone starts talking about “the schedule” again.
But is it shed-yule or sked-yule?
He’s jacked up on bricks and left abandoned on some waste ground.
When he gets burnt out, does he have to hand over the Matrix of Leadership to Stokes? And is Andrew Strauss Ultra Magnus in this scenario?
He’s more Alpha Trion, we’d say.
I have calculated the current Joe Root Burnout Statistic using the approved scientific method.
I have workings.
It is currently, approximately, 83.47%.
That’s quite a long way from 89%.
I think you must have missed a factor or applied the wrong function to one or more of the factors.
Show your workings, KC, show your workings.
Reporting a figure to two decimal places given the relative paucity of data (30 points) is a surefire sign of spurious accuracy. All we can really say is that Joe’s Burnout Statistic is increasing at the 5% confidence level.
Don’t give into the temptations of spurious accuracy Ged. You’re a better man than that.
There is a veritable forest of data and variables in the Joe Root Burnout Statistic, we’ll have you know, Sir B.
Paucity of data…not. Spurious accuracy my foot.
I only spared you four decimal places because, frankly (and with all due respect) I don’t suppose all that many people around here would know what to do with the third and fourth decimal place.
To be more precise, then, 83.4672%
So there.
We’ve a lot of time for that fourth decimal place. No idea what to do with that third one though.
There is a joke about a square root in here isn’t there?
Ha ha, lbking.
Why are square roots never sad? Because they’re always positive.
But surely you are seeking a square Root joke? I’m too burnt out to make up one of those.
HAVE IT!
CRICKET!
How burnt out is jofra archer right now?
Pacing himself at this stage, we’d say. We’ll reassess if he doesn’t do the Dale Steyn trademarked third spell lightning thing.
I’m sure that all the players felt like they’d been strapped to a mast all day. For a great read, turn to Lyall Watson’s Heaven’s Breath, A Natural History of the Wind.
I miss Jimmy Anderson.
I miss Chris Woakes.
I miss Sam Curran.
And Ben Foakes.
And Alastair Cook.
Controversial comments from Michael Vaughan today:
“What today proved to me is that all the talk of momentum between games is absolutely nonsense. What Australia have done today is nullify Headingley.”
Any thoughts?
Enough to justify an article. Thanks for the tip off, Geoff.
Oh no. Turns out we wrote about the wind instead.
Meh. These things happen.