County cricket

Is Sam Hain’s hair inching towards England selection?

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They say that elite sport involves making sacrifices. We’re wondering whether Warwickshire’s Sam Hain is coming to realise that he might have to sacrifice his highly awful haircut.

Sam Hain had a great season last year. He then started this season very well before continuing it almost as well.

At the time of writing, Hain is averaging 95.50 in the County Championship. His form is strong, but he surely has to be asking himself, “Could a man of my haircut ever truly play for England?”

It would be a brave selector who looked at the follicular abomination above and thought, “Yes, this is a man who needs to be playing for England.”

Because imagine you pick someone with that haircut and they don’t play well. Imagine that. What do you look like if you pick that haircut and the batter it’s attached to doesn’t make many runs? If that happens you look like the person who exposed a great many people to a mullet-adjacent horror show without improving the Test team.

Unforgivable. No-one wants to be remembered as that selector.

But we are here to report ‘developments’.

The previous image of Hain is from six months ago. Now here’s one from pre-season, just over a month ago.

Is it our imagination or is that… not quite as bad?

We could be wrong. Maybe it’s just a lighting thing. But we have more evidence. This next one’s from a fortnight ago.

If you can find it in your heart to overlook the nagging hint of combover (Come on, you can do it. Dig deep!) then this a good few steps closer to acceptability compared to six months ago, is it not?

The problem is not solved. There’s still a way to go. But the changes we seem to be seeing here at least suggest a dawning realisation.

Sam Hain does not want to be unselectable and he may be prepared to make sacrifices.

Sometimes you just have to look at what your peers are doing. Hain may well be averaging 95.50 this season, but Keaton Jennings is averaging 94.50 and he has already ceased looking like Napoleon Dynamite.

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24 comments

  1. This is pretty close to what my hair looks like 50% of the way through being cut. Do we know for certain that Sam hasn’t just partway through getting a haircut on several occasions when he was called upon to bat/do media duties/have his picture taken in sunglasses?

    1. You know what they say: ‘Summon me for media duties while I’m midway through having my hair cut once, shame on you. Summon me for media duties while I’m midway through having my hair cut twice, shame on me.’

  2. I’ve often wondered why I never got the call – especially back in those dog days of the 1990s when even Geoffrey Boycott’s mum was in contention.

    If only I had paid more attention to my tricho-aesthetics.

  3. Hair XI:

    1. Parting Crowe
    2. Shave-it Gower
    3. Darrell Hair
    4. Paul BarberBrace
    5. Travis SkinHead
    6. Bald Collingwood
    7. Trim Patel
    8. Curly Ambrose
    9. Courtney Wash
    10. Dread Trueman
    11. Brushtaq Ahmed

    12th woman: Hat Sciver
    Umpire: Darrell Hair

    1. Shit, I’ve got Hair at three and umpiring. Oh well, he can boost the batting line-up by never giving himself out.

    2. Oh this is your worst effort yet, Sam. We mean that as a sort of compliment.

      Shave-it Gower?
      Bald Collingwood?

    3. Moustache Ahmed, surely?
      Danish Can-hair-ia
      Ryan Short-back-and-sides-bottom
      Jack Bleach
      Phil Trimmons

    4. Salim Mullet
      Barber Azam
      Braid Hogg
      Mohammed Afroddin
      Shivam Toupée

      and of course, Joe Root

  4. Graham Wigg
    Shave Chanderpaul
    Ben Cutting
    Alice Band Capsey
    Hat Hayden
    Feather Knight
    Peter Bowler Hat
    Gel Jones

      2. Mike Plaiting
        Phil Tuftnell
        Phil DeFrayedtas
        Transplant Botha
        Transplantony McGrath
        Steven Thin
        Graeme Thick
        Rug Bollinger
        Ruglas Jardine
        Dougie Brown
        Hairy Alderman
        Shave-all Hinds

        The latter of which sounds like a certain brand of adult film, perhaps enjoyed by members of the rural farming community…

  5. This is getting too silly. We need Graham Chapman to come on and close it down.

  6. Never mind the silly names. I have just switched on the TV and sense that we need to talk about Rory “Side” Burns’s extraordinary new barnet. There’s even a device at the back of his helmet for it.

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