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The ECB has announced that bland-tasting pish, Foster’s, is to become the official lager of England cricket. Interestingly, England cricket already has an official beer, which is Greene King IPA, so you can now go to the pub and get a pint of golden while remaining entirely ‘brand loyal’. Or at least you can if you don’t much care about having an enjoyable drink and a nice time.
We look forward to future announcements revealing the official stout of England cricket, the official mild of England cricket, the official wheat beer of England cricket, the official dunkel of England cricket and the official oud bruin of England cricket. We’re also a bit concerned that we’re currently ‘off brand’ when it comes to pork scratchings and so would appreciate some clarity in this matter.
In announcing the Foster’s deal, ECB Commercial Director Sanjay Patel failed the ‘iconic’ test, employing this wishy-washy meaningless non-word when it wouldn’t have made a blind bit of difference had he not done so. See also: all other press releases about sponsorship deals and all newspaper articles about any half-famous cultural figure.
What fine ECB trolling this is, trying to sell us something that is marketed as Australian (although brewed in Manchester). Superb work.
Is it still brewed in Manchester?
Last time I went past the industrial beer manufacturing plant (to call it a brewery would be to underplay the sheer ‘big vat of chemicals’ ambiance), the Fosters logo had been replaced with that of Heineken, although that may just be a corporate branding thing (The ‘amber nectar’ that, to quote Wikipedia, ” does not enjoy widespread success in Australia” being distributed by Heineken in Europe)
I feel that last post was missing some punctuation, but I can’t quite work out what it was.
Official Beer – Indian Pale Ale
Official Lager – Australian Fosters
What next?
Official Fruit – Kiwi Fruit
Official Spirit – Caribbean Rum
Official Fast Food – Nandos
This is getting harder now.
Official Type of Surprise – Serendipity
Official Hiding Place From The Americans – Abbottabad
Official recreational drug – Heroin
Official dictator… wait no.
Thank you for following these developments closely, O King, so the rest of us don’t have to.
Are Greene King and King Cricket by any chance related? If so, I think we should have been told.
When the Greene King IPA/Fosters mix comes streaming down on one’s head as the beer snake collapses (copyright Old Trafford, weakly imitated elsewhere, if my experience is anything to go by), is that a golden shower?
I believe Samit Patel is the official stout of English cricket.
Nice.
The joke, I mean, stout’s horrible.
What?
You don’t like stout? What’s wrong with you? How about a nice porter?
Until you remedy this I am afraid I will no longer be able to complain to you about Ian Bell’s continuing absence from the England team.
He actually made a half century in Yorkies vs. MCC, I saw. Ballance made 105. So Ballance is categorically better than Bell at number 3.
I’m afraid that, as a privately-educated southerner, I only drink wine and spirits. Preferably mixed with the working class’ blood.
I’m not going to; I’ll let someone else.
Great Samit Fatel joke btw.
A bit surprised that Mike didn’t let rip there. He must be the official mild of King Cricket.
Sam Billings seems to carry the drinks more than any other member of the England squad. Presumably he’s the ECB’s official porter.
Wait, I’ve got it… Samit Patel is the official heavy of… oh wait, I see that’s been done already.