Posted by Good day to you all. Last week, I, Count Cricket, attended Sussex v Nottinghamshire. Nottinghamshire won and so went to the top of the table.
The weather was good, so I protected my pallid skin by withdrawing to Hove’s toilets where I quaffed brandy from my thermos. Very pleasant it was too and I made many friends, including one chap who informed me that Matthew Hendrik Wessels had made 199 runs. Most people seem to call him ‘Riki’, but I will continue call him Matthew Hendrik – for that is his name.
Elsewhere, King Cricket favourites Steven John Croft and Paul James Horton each made a handful of runs as Lancashire’s batting finally elevated itself above rank incompetence and earned the county a draw against Middlesex; while Somerset beat Durham after George Henry Dockrell took 6-29.
Finally, Warwickshire beat Surrey thanks to a heartening innings from the forgotten bald wicketkeeper, Timothy Raymond Ambrose, who once squatted behind some sticks for the United Kingdom. His chief ally in the run-chase was Rikki Clarke, who always seems to get a mention in my county cricket coverage. Later on, I asked a woman at a bus stop the meaning of his ubiquity. In the ensuing melee, I lost a shoe.
Riki Wessels.
Rikki Clarke.
Youngsters these days and their fancy spellings.
What happened to people being called good old fashioned John or David?
Frankly, I’m surprised that Count Cricket even bothers to mention a player whose full name is merely Rikki Clarke.
Frankly, I think Mr Clarke is keeping something from us all in the name department.
Are there any e-sleuths out there who can get to the bottom of Rikki Clarke (as it were), full-name-wise?
He’s actually part-mongoose; his full name is Rikki-Tikki-Tavi Clarke, named for his uncle mongoose on his mother’s side).
This means he is an entirely different species – herpestes sapiens and as a result, has no fear of snakes.
This is the primary reason why he was called up for the Sri Lanka and Bangladesh tours – he roomed with Gareth Batty, who is famously ophiophobic, and Rikki’s presence allowed him to sleep more easily.
I can’t shed any light on the name, but I am aware that it is possible to hire Rikki for an evening at £150ph.
I’ve always thought he was accidentally given a girl’s name. Either that or he has a career in obscure educational videocassettes.
I reckon if we all chip in a fiver we could probably hire him between us.
I’m not sure what we would do with him, but that part of the plan can come later.
Glamour photo shoot! With his winning smile you can’t go wrong.
Watch him come over all red mist then jump on the neck of any passing cobras.
Not sure it’s worth 150 squids though.
Of course, we don’t actually have “Counts” in England. Arguably the likes of Giles Clarke are only an excess vowel away, however.
Excellent piece, KC. Very ‘Tinniswood-esque’. Keep it up.
Tales from the Long Room is one of my favourite cricket books. Especially the bit about Queen Victoria donning the pads and grasping her Gunn and Moore for a net before bed on her wedding night (ooh no Albert).
Anyone who loves this website and hasn’t read Tinniswood must do so immediately.
Same guy who wrote “The Verneys”, or do I have thr wrong anorak on?
Peter Tinniswood
Tales from Witney Scrotum