< 1 minute readAndrew Strauss has hit five hundreds this winter. Having done extensive statistical analysis, we have deemed that ‘acceptable’. We went out to canvass public opinion about the England captain. Malcolm Rathbone, 48, said: “That Strauss is a symbol of all that’s great about Britain. This is the kind of thing
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Owais Shah’s leave
< 1 minute readWhen Owais Shah leaves a ball, it stays left. He plays his most elaborate leaves at relatively full deliveries outside off stump. He doesn’t just get his bat out of the way, he swings it over and then straight down towards the ground in front of him. It’s like he’s
Continue readingSamit Patel in ‘unacceptable level of fitness’ shocker
< 1 minute readThe ECB have released a statement announcing that Samit Patel has been dropped from England’s one-day squad. We’ll paraphrase for you: Samit Patel is fat. We’re glad our employers don’t make press releases about the personal flaws that affect our work. It would be disconcerting to open a newspaper and
Continue readingOur numbers are bigger than your numbers, so your numbers can kiss our numbers’ arses
< 1 minute readWho was the winner here? Not England. Not West Indies. Not cricket. Not the crowd. After many calculations, we’ve deduced that the winner was, rather unexpectedly, Michael Flatley. Nobody wants that. This match was like watching a dot matrix printer run off sheets and sheets of binary code. Something was
Continue readingAlastair Cook, please stop hooking
< 1 minute readSomeone should look into irregular betting patterns surrounding ‘Alastair Cook caught hooking’ because he seems to be hell-bent on getting out this way. In the last Test, he leant back and poked one into the air in an enticingly gentle parabola. In yesterday’s innings, he popped one up towards Sulieman
Continue readingAndrew Strauss – a fitting end to a top innings
< 1 minute readThe pitch may have been as flat as a well-ironed pancake, but Andrew Strauss has continued his spectacular winter form. This was his fourth hundred for eight times out. He attacked as well. Strauss scored 142 of England’s 301-3 and he was out almost immediately after tea. He batted so
Continue readingGiles Clarke – this is what we think of you
< 1 minute read“It’s true that I have received a lot of criticism in the media, some of it hysterical and utterly irrational, some of it immensely rude. I discard those people.” Everybody ready? Let’s get discarded. Giles Clarke is the public face of the ECB. He is there to be ridiculed. He
Continue readingRavi Bopara should be allowed to have a bat
< 1 minute readRavi Bopara or Ian Bell? We’re saying Ravi Bopara. If you’re going to drop someone, you have to do it properly. Ian Bell has been dropped like a hot pan full of cymbals that’s been grasped with bare hands. Bopara might be crap at tiling and even worse at promoting
Continue readingWest Indies cricket not so flimsy
< 1 minute readSome people think that the West Indies are a team who buckle, like a belt. People think they fold, like a clean pair of trousers. But this West Indies team stood defiantly like a man who can’t find his belt or his trousers and doesn’t care about that fact. He
Continue readingGraeme Swann takes five Test wickets
< 1 minute readIt’s a big deal. Andrew Flintoff pretty much never manages it and he’s supposed to be the best bowler since the Bowlinator 9000 perfected the 95mph googly. We don’t know for sure whether anyone ever followed our instructions as to how to help Graeme Swann into the England side from
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