England

Ben Stokes makes a night in the cells happen

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The facts are these. Splice and dice them as you see fit.

  • The ECB say that 26-year-old Ben Stokes was arrested in the early hours of Monday morning  following “an incident” in Bristol
  • Police say a 26-year-old man was arrested that night on suspicion of causing actual bodily harm
  • Another fella went to hospital with facial injuries
  • Stokes has injured his hand
  • Stokes was released under investigation
  • Alex Hales is helping police with their enquiries

Our reading of this is that England’s premier one-day opening batsman is pursuing a new career in law enforcement with Avon and Somerset Constabulary. There may also have been a thing with Ben Stokes, but it’s almost impossible to deduce what might have happened with that from these scant details.

But let’s imagine for a minute that Stokes was shit-faced and lamped a fella. You know, hypothetically speaking.

Like all England players Ben Stokes knows not to cross the line. That is something that is inculcated in all who wear the three lions – accurate location of and respect for the line. At the same time, he’s a passionate sort of human being and he wears his heart on his sleeve. You wouldn’t want him to lose that passion now, would you? Where would that leave him?

‘Not under investigation for causing actual bodily harm’ you might answer. Well, maybe, but he needs that edge, doesn’t he? Needs it. That’s what makes him great, right?

In the unlikely event that the above reading of events should prove to be correct, then based on this and previous “incidents” we have another conclusion to put forward.

It is this: Ben Stokes is a bit of a lightweight and entirely incapable of handling his drink.

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24 comments

  1. In other news, Will Smith’s back! As in, returned to Durham – he’s not gone into bat-making business with Lynda Bellingham again, having assumed the identity of a Hollywood namesake or anything.

    1. No – only being dead good at talking about cars and passing off offensive national stereotypes as ‘banter’ makes it acceptable.

  6. The problem isn’t aggression, it’s conformation to a stereotype. Decent swing / seam bowling English allrounder with an penchant for hitting sixes? Then you must also be a beery northerner with a keen eye for a fight.

    I have it on good authority that when he was young his main pastimes were gentle off-spin, elegant late cuts, and stamp collecting. A slight but painful wrist strain forced him to change his bowling style at the age of 13, and unfortunately coincided with him receiving a four-pound cricket bat as a replacement for his 2-6 original. His path to an eventual prison sentence was set there and then.

  7. Speaking on behalf of lightweights who can’t really handle their drink, I’d suggest the problem is more in the region of him being a thundering dumbass

  8. If you can’t celebrate beating the 9th best team in the world in a meaningless ODI when you haven’t even won the series yet and are playing again a couple of days later by getting utterly mashed, staying out until the early hours and getting involved in some gentle, boisterous ABH, then the world has gone mad

  9. Ben stokes may know not to cross the line. Problem is that Steve smith is the current arbiter of where said line actually falls. Convention dictates he can move it on a whim. What’s a poor chap line stokes to do?

  10. In fact as I recall, whilst Michael Clarke arbitrated the line, it was acceptable for Little Davey Warner to punch opposition players in nightclubs.

  11. That Ashes Squad in full:

    Ali
    Jimmy
    YJB
    Ball
    New/Old Ballance
    Broady
    Cooky
    ‘Dr’ Crane
    Foakesy
    Malano
    Over-a-ton
    Rooty
    Stokesy
    Stoneman
    Vincey
    Woakesy

    1. COverton seems the perfect level-headed model of restraint to deal with the gentle banter one might expect in an overseas Ashes series – hope he plays!

    2. Rashid must surely regret eating the chairman of selectors’ favourite kitten then posting its remains through his letterbox, or whatever terrible thing he is suspected of having done.

      1. Meanwhile Vince rolls gently over in bed after a passionate night and kisses James Whitaker gently on the neck.

      2. All of this debate should be on the squad announcement post that is primed to be published. We’re just waiting for the daily email to go out. Has anyone got it yet? It’s supposed to go out between 9am and 11am.

  12. Meanwhile, Liam Livingstone has 3-11 including Ashes call-up Foakesy for a golden duck. Previous first-class bowling: 5 wickets @ 106.

    Shenanigans.

    1. Lancs might need him to bowl more next year, now that Kyle Jarvis is returning to the Zimbabwe fold.

  14. Sir Ian Botham told Sky Sports: “He’s got to start thinking: ‘How do I keep Ben Stokes out of this situation?’ He’s got to be selective.
    “The world is his oyster. He can be the best in the world. If that means you can’t go out for a few beers with your buddies, then so be it.”

    Ian drawing on personal experience and will power there.

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