All Out Cricket fantasy game for England v India series

1. Consider yourself challenged by The Badgers.

   1. Our hastily-selected ill-thought-out XI is going to HIT YOURS FOR SIX.*

      * ‘Hit yours for six’ may turn out to mean ‘be heavily beaten by yours’.

   2. I considered naming my team Hugh Rections.

2. I didn’t read the rules, but created a team anyway. I am Sloggers.

   1. There are rules? I thought this was all fight clubby.

3. This is easier than I thought it would be.

4. Alright, there you go. The Old Phlogistonians are in.

   I don’t know what I’m doing, BTW.

   1. No-one does. It’s fine.

5. Hobbes XI

   Does this update at the end of each day’s play?

   1. Yes?

      (No idea)

6. I have immediate misgivings about the team I’ve selected.

   1. That’s the spirit.

7. Is there a way to see other people’s teams? Will there be once it starts?

   I’d like to see who else made the staggeringly stupid omissions and left field choices that I did.

   1. No idea.

8. The Russian Army have invaded the league. I picked a team then read the points and had to change it again.

9. Dash XI

10. Bhangra-Morris Fusion is ready to… probably flop horribly, knowing my luck.

11. Done – Bert’s Indifferents. I’ve gone for all English batsmen and all Indian bowlers. I think that’s a winning strategy and no mistake.

    1. You’re not in the league. Have you just memorised your team so that you can play on your own?

    2. You mean I made a balls of it? Arseholes. I’ll have another go.

    3. Done. And I’m already in 4th place, just behind Bandits and just in front of Bhangra-Morris Fusion. A superb start, I think you’ll find.

12. I have joined but am already struggling to remember who I’ve picked and in what order. Anderson as an opener is fine, right?

    1. I have, ‘hilariously’, named my team “Who Watches The Nightwatchmen?”, in case anyone wants to take notes and mock me later on (they usually do, in my experience).

    2. I’ve read the rules now and it seems I’ve made some poor choices (and not just in life in general, or by deciding to enter the ‘competition’ at all).

    3. We do like it when these things are hotly contested.

13. I have joined with the brilliantly funny team name Is Tendulkar Not Playing Anymore? which is the comment I expect to hear down the pub if I mention the series. I also anticipate that this may be asked by a great many Indian fans who have blanked the retirement from their minds or saw the Lords bicentenary game as a reintroduction. Good luck everyone!

14. However badly I perform, I (and England) can at least console ourselves thus: we’re not as bad as Brazil are at football.

15. Hedley Verity Memorial XI

16. All hail the ‘playgue of extraordinary gentlemen’

17. I’m in. 1000 Currant Bums in May.

    It gave me a little bit of a thrill picking Jos Buttler.

    1. That should read 1000 Currant Buns in May. In honour of Rob Key’s dietary demands of his charges at Kent CCC, rather than Murdoch’s chip wrapper

18. The Ged Ladds are ready to rock ‘n’ roll.

    Hello Nottingham!!

19. p = mv

    Placing our trust in classical mechanics.

    …or I am secretly Murali Vijay, but that would suggest a conflict of interest.

20. I have unleashed Scotty’s Dogs Of War to retrieve…….something.

21. That’s my team “Something Changed” registered.

    Good luck folks!

    1. Did it need to, though?

22. Tom’s trouser stains are congealed and ready to crust.

23. I googled witty cricket team names and the answer was the bowljob

24. The SlowStarters

    Also slow finishers!

25. I’m not sure whether to class the batsmen who are the most excruciating to watch as an “opener” or a “nurdler”. Judging by the tone of the posts above I think that like the series itself the wooden spoon will be hotly contested.

    1. You aren’t Nick Matthew, you’re Mitchell Johnson! #don’tinsultthetoptierofbatsmen #looking4attritionalsquash

26. I’d just like to say that reading this posting and then going to All Out Cricket to construct my team was the most exciting thing that happened to me yesterday.

    By anyone’s standards, mind you, I’d had an excruciatingly dull day.

    Still, this was good. Bon chance, everyone.

27. “Secret Key incorrect – please try again.”
    Trying again did not help though..

    1. Is this a Rob Key joke or a genuine plea for assistance?

       If it’s the latter, it’s ‘Rob Key’ with initial caps, a space and no inverted commas.

    2. Yup, still not working. Maybe it’s something to do with being from Downtown Africa?

28. Should I be worried that I wasn’t even sure if I had five players from each team?

    The Number One All-Star Heroes registered and ready to cement a spot somewhere in the middle (irrespective of effort).

29. Birkenhead People’s Army reporting for duty. Unlike England, I’ve not excluded players we don’t like so Stuart Broad’s in.

30. The trouble with picking a fantasy team at the start of any tour it’s difficult to know who all the players are exactly. Not just how good they are, but whether they are an opener or a number 5, or even in some cases if they are a bowler or a batsman. Similar sounding names don’t help.

    I mean, who the hell is Sam Robson anyway? Ben Woakes and Chris Stokes are a complete mystery to me. And I had to check the stats to see what Alastair Cook does. I assume he’s a bowler, and possible future captain material I would guess, judging by his family.

31. Al Bundy XI registered and ready to deliver a positive brand of cricketainment.

32. Managed to sneak it in despite it being 10.42…

33. The other thing this fantasy cricket stuff does is confuse emotions. Without it, there are only two things to hope for:

    1. An England win
    2. An England catastrophe of proportions so staggeringly huge you can actually enjoy the pain

    Now there is a third thing, which is the individual performances of certain players in my team. And while the first two hopes are mutually exclusive, the third one is not. There might be times when a 50 from my #11 gets me some nice points but moves England to 203 all out, a position from where they can do all that “taking positives” stuff that keeps them all rubbish for a few more years.

    I’m not sure you’ve thought this through, KC.

34. Having chosen Jimmy as one of my holding bowlers, and writing at the end of the first over of the series, I appear to be rogered already.

35. One of mine has already scored 12 runs. Sadly another one of mine just got twated for 12 runs. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

36. ‘Dammit, Dhawan got out’

    ‘Hang on, did I pick Anderson?’

    1. This is a rather obvious issue that has only just become apparent. Our team is heavy on England bowlers and Indian batsmen.

       Clearly we’re expecting India to be skittled for a huge score.

    2. Anderson 10 10 5 0
       Broad 10 10 5 0
       Plunkett 50 0 0 300
       Ali 50 0 0 300

       That would do it.

    3. I like to think of it as “insurance”.

37. Hang on a minute. I picked Jos Buttler, and he doesn’t seem to be in either side. Why is this?

38. Pujara as a nurdler. Yes, that was a genius decision…

39. Ashwin not playing. Thats a disappointment thats on player down. I picked shami though no nothing about him. Is he a strike bowler?

40. Yesss! According to All Out Cricket, I’ve got three points already (Moeen Ali has scored them all). I must be winning.

    But hold on, according to All Out Cricket, Karthi1 has 779 points, and Who Watches the Nightwatchman has 732 points. What the jeff is going on?

    1. Who even is Karthi1? They could at least have the decency to cough up their KC username, if they’re going to do something so un-English as to do well.

41. I am conflicted, and I don’t like it.

42. There’s too many people in this thing for it to be fun anymore. There should have been a cap on the number of teams – I don’t like strangers.

    1. But you ARE a stranger?

       There are a lot of teams involved though – last time I checked I was in the top 20 of the whole thing (I’m peaking early, normal service will be resumed soon) but only 3rd or 4th in the Mini-League.

       Or maybe hardly anyone who doesn’t read King Cricket could be bothered to enter?

43. Knew I should’ve picked Vijay instead of Dhawan. WHATEVER

    1. Too bad, m4te.

44. M Vijay 146 (361)
    146*2+361+2*75+7*25=978
    I most certainly don’t mind the extra 75 points, but could someone please explain to me what they’re for?

    Signed,

    the village idiot

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