Dr Pietersen, he talks with the animals, talks with the animals…

1. So you think, if Monty treads on a thorn, he becomes Modi.

   And the cry goes up in the Enforcement Directorate “Let’s go to Australia with thorns! bag the b*****r!

2. But now we can see what the England boot camp was designed to do. Injure our best players, then following the Pietersen Doctrine, they turn into dangerous wild beasts.

   In general, though, I think this just highlights the problem of cricketers coming into contact with sophisticated metaphors that they are ill-equipped to handle. It’s dangerous, and it threatens the integrity of the game, especially for the younger, less experienced players on their first tour. We have all seen the disaster of the past few years with “momentum”, which has ruined many a reputation. The game needs to take steps now to stop “wounded animals” becoming another deep source of emabarassment.

   The solution is to ban all contact with figures of speech, even low-level easy ones like “at the end of the day”. They might appear to be harmless fun, but once they’ve become tainted by them it is very difficult to stop. They’ll soon find themselves transfering epithets in their cream flannelled dressing rooms before matches, and consonance contact can contribute to constantly contributing common consonants in interviews.

3. But it wasn’t bland.

4. “We have all seen the disaster of the past few years with “momentum”, which has ruined many a reputation.”

   Bert, Ravi Shastri was spotted looking for you in the right areas with a pickaxe in his hand. Some claim he is now a wounded animal. You might want to vanish in the air and in the gap as well.

5. Breaking metaphor news – Matt Prior thinks cricket is like swimming.

   “To be thrown in the deep end is a good thing,” he said. “You get thrown in the deep end and work backwards, which is better than taking it easy and then being given a shock.”

   What if you get thrown in at the deep and and you can’t swim? Surely it’s better to start in the shallow end with your water wings on and paddle around for a bit before going for a shower and some chips.

6. Sam, you’re not allowed to play cricket professionally unless you have your 25m badge.

   More breaking metaphor news:

   “The more I’m bowling the better things are getting. I want to be hitting the ground running by the first Test.” Ben Hilfenhaus

   Surely hitting the ground running implies instant readiness rather than gradual improvement through practice.

7. I think he means he is targeting a state of readiness by the first test, a result achieved by practice, so he doesn’t have to gradually improve as the test unfolds. No?

8. Yes, but does that count as hitting the ground running?

   Presumably all other cricket doesn’t qualify as ‘ground’.

9. You see what I mean. What a mess!

   Matt Prior has combined electricity and water, which is dangerous. He also thinks that the best way out of it is to go backwards, presumably towards the shallow end. Now if Ashes cricket is the deep end, the shallow end must be Under 9s North Cheshire League. Is this what he wants, to be playing junior cricket on occasional evenings in the summer? Is that the extent of his ambition?

   Ben Hilfenhaus on the other hand is getting way beyond himself. Only Joel Garner has ever been able to hit the ground while running, and Hilfenhaus ain’t in that league.

   They should stick to what they know, these cricketers, like placing bets on themselves to lose.

10. Don’t wounded animals sometimes just roll over and die?

    Especially if they are badly wounded.

11. Unless overweight turkeys are predators in Australia (everything else seems to be), KP’s got this one wrong

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