Posted by Stop the press!
Our policy of bringing you news from the past can wait when there’s actual, real, brand-new news of this calibre: Andrew Flintoff can’t turn out for the England Lions because he’s got ‘a stomach bug’.
Always bringing you the stories within the stories, we at King Cricket can confirm that Flintoff is not merely suffering from ‘the shits’, he has actually been struck down by ‘the wild shits’.
Medical sources within the England camp have outlined how Flintoff may well be out of action for several days. A common-or-garden case of the shits can be successfully treated with rehydration salts dissolved in water. However, the wild shits can result in acute abdominal pain, repeated toilet trips over a longer period of time and ultimately severe weight loss.
Sufferers of the wild shits often report feeling like ‘there’s nothing left’.
Our thoughts go out to Flintoff at this time of crisis: If it makes you feel any better Freddie, a case of the wild shits will truly make a man of you.
Perhaps all he needs is an after grog bog
Have you notived how nobody has a tummy bug anymore? It’s always a virus. When I was off school cos I crapped in my pants on the way there I didn’t have a virus. I had the shits. Well done for keeping it real KC
Here here..
I had the old food poisoning, not two days ago, and luckily, all I got was a case of the wild pukes..
People look at you strange, when you pick up your daughter in a suave suit, and then puke yourself silly, all the way home.
Thankfully, no wild shits, that would have been worse.
If Janet Jackson had to apologise to the whole american nation for a boob flash at the superbowl, there must have been some Tony Gregesque grovelling for crapping her pants!
Ah, the Wild Shits.
I remember them well.
Those were the days huh?
/me goes all misty eyed in a nostalgic daze